Chapter eight
lab rat
The next morning, The Test Lab was silent apart from the sound of Stu Dapples trying to put his pants on, which (from the next room) sounded like a constipated rhinoceros trying to pass a driving test.
Like, actually, pass the test: pen, paper and clipboard through his rhino-you-know-what. So, while Stu struggled to come to terms with sharing his brain and body with an alien, Doc Beertstein and Bitta were preparing the lab for the next phase - to add a drop of alien DNA to the seeds of hopsonica.
“Once we activate the seeds, then the world of beer will change forever,” proclaimed Doc, with an unsettling glint in his eye. “But first, we must test the DNA extraction process. I need a lab rat.”
Bitta, the vegan exchange student, had freed the original Lab Rat. His name was El Bastardo, and he was a giant muscular talking rat with an eye patch who craved cheesy nachos and having ‘quiet words’ with local cats. After setting him free, Bitta challenged the Doc not to test on actual rats, and (instead) volunteered for all the extreme beer testing herself.
She became The Head Lab Rat. The leader of an elite team of human guinea pigs, bar flies, thirsty lizard people… an army of party animals devoting their taste buds to science… and their number was growing every week. Lab Rats gave their life to the endless pursuit of hoppiness, letting the Doc pour test beer after test beer down their throats in the name of ‘reading the craft’.
Sometimes the experiments would last for hours…days… whole Queen’s birthday long weekends! It was a dirty job but someone had to brew it. Those brave, brave souls.
They even had a code of honour:
Beer science has a code, It’s all about persisting.
Comparing with both hands, what some call ‘double fisting’.*
In one hand is the variable, The other the control,
They both could be placebo, Or they could be rock ’n roll.
For every brew we score, Its properties we note. Colour, nose and pour…
Before it ever hits the throat. Yes, we test it for the taste,
Strict rules we must follow. But Lab Rats, we hate waste,
Which is why we always swallow!
*whatever you do, do not Google this phrase. It means holding two beers at once, and that is all - there is no other meaning. Lalalalalala can’t hear you!
And, as Bitta rolled up her sleeves she knew that if anything happened to her, there would be another lab rat to fill her place - because this was beer science, and nothing stood in the way of the craft.
Just as the Doc was about to test the DNA extraction, the door to the lab flew open and there (finally wearing pants after how many chapters?) was Stu Dapples, who yelled… ‘GIVE ME THE SEEEEDS, EARTHLING! YOU DON’T REALISE THE POWER YOU ARE WIELDING! and (in a meeker tone)
Be warned, mate… I’m trained in Ta Foo.” - a lesser known martial art, practiced only by residents of Takaka, which involved throwing surreal concepts at your opponent until they questioned their very existence.
“I too, know The Foo,” said Doc Beerstein. Oh dear, looks like we have a Foo Fight on our hands…