Chapter nine

pukka-up

Doc Nige and Stu Dapples were about to engage in the (not so) ancient fighting art of Ta Foo. You could say, ‘Everybody was Ta Foo Fighting.’ 

And that has - for many years - been a cause for confusion. Many people think this is a Thai Food Fight, which involves throwing vegetarian spring rolls at each other to determine who gets the last Roti bread. This is different. Well, same same but different.

Ta Foo originated at The Gathering. A historic three-day dance party once held in the hills of Takaka. A dance party from which some party-goers never left… they simply drifted into the Takaka township in a psychedelic miasma and opened up cafes and local theatre groups. You can see why UFOs like to land nearby… the kooky kosmic energy is off the charts in this township.

Ta Foo is how they settle disputes in Takaka. Takaka Foo Fighting or Ta Foo (for short) involves throwing hot sauce at your opponent - not directly at your opponent, that would be dangerous - but rather at a tiny doll-like replica of your opponent that you just happened to have in your pocket just in case. Shut up, it makes sense. 

Every Ta Foo fighter has a dolly. A humanoid effigy, a tiny foodoo dolly that they carry everywhere in case they are challenged to a Foo Fight. See? Logical. 

Foodoo is similar to voodoo only instead of black magic with chicken’s blood, Foodoo is bubbly brown magic with hops and hot sauce. And instead of curses on your family and loved ones, which voodoo is known for, foodoo mostly involves dabs of hot sauce to the eyes and genitals.

The name FooDoo derives from trying say Voodoo with your lips PUKKA’d Up from chili burn. 

The rules are simple. Combatants splash drops of Tonto Holmes Hopping Mad Hot Sauce on their Foodoo dollies to inflict psychic chilli pain onto their opponents. Originally, the sauce was applied directly. The dollies came later. But that’s another story for another can. 

Yes, this chapter has gone a bit weird. It was bound to happen sooner or later. You try coming up with new stuff every month… like, this month I was stumped… completely out of ideas, and then I ate a bunch of chilli Dorrittos and went to the toilet and oh boy the fire… and I thought, OK! I’ve got an idea for the next chapter. I get most of my good ideas in the toilet. 

Anyway… 

Doc Nige and Stu Dapples faced off across the lab, their foodoo dollies in their hand. Bottles of hot sauce poised to bring the heat… 

“Pukka Up, Sukka!” yelled the Doc. Just as Stu (controlled by Gav the Pale Alien) dashed across the lab and started to throttle the Doc.

Suddenly, the lab doors exploded inward, and standing where the doors weren’t was a sentient tumour on legs.

The Muntoid warrior had finally tracked down Gav and the seeds, and things were about to go from bad to slightly badder.