Chapter seven
hopsonica
The seeds, the seeds, every second character in this story says they must find the seeds. It seems like these seeds might be important. What is the dealio with these bloody seeds?
To tell that story, we need the help of Tonto Holmes. Tonto is a witch doctor. Which is a weird job, being a doctor for witches. Apparently, it’s the same as being a normal doctor but you mostly treat warts… and cat scratches…. and broomstick splinters.
Originally, Tonto was an Aztec. Which is just like a polytech only completely different. He moved to Motueka for tax purposes, and to hide the fact that he hadn’t aged a day in 500 years since the fall of the Aztec empire. But, that’s another story for another can.
Anyway!
Tonto was out on a mushy hunt deep in the Motueka swamp when he tripped and fell down a rabbit hole. Mushies are great for treating witch’s what nots. So, there he was, tripping down a bunny chute and POP! out he flops into a cave… a cave filled with alien light. And in this cave was a capsule… and floating as if by magic inside the capsule… were the most beautiful hops he had ever seen.
“Welcome warrior! You have found the seeds of hopsonica,” said a voice deep inside Tonto’s mind. “You now possess the power of the brown note… a sonic force so immense it can silence entire solar systems… oh, and it also has an annoying side effect of turning any water immediately into beer.” Now, Tonto was no rocket scientist - he was a witch doctor, I told you that - but he knew this discovery was:
a) not of this earth
b) too powerful for any human to ever posses
c) when did this become a multi-choice quiz?
d) all of the above.
So, Tonto hid the seeds of Hopsonica. Until one day he met young Nige Beerstein on an online ZOOM workshop for making espresso stout… and Tonto knew that Nige was the one to become the new guardian of the secret of Hopsonica*… and the rest (as they say) was hopstory.
*It’s safe to say that while Tonto was an awesome witch doctor (4.9 out 5 on Facebook) - he was a crap judge of character, as you will soon find out…